One of the hardest things in life is to imagine all the possible permutations of your existence.
In fact, it’s probably the opposite of possible. Or at least it would be, without help. Life can be so many things, but it’s difficult to see past the here and now. Part of allowing myself to visualize a new reality included acknowledging my own needs. Almost as important, was how to properly communicate my needs. I still have trouble properly expressing myself. Not only getting clear on what I need, but then how to communicate that effectively to someone else. No one teaches you this stuff in school. You learn long division, but not how to think about what your needs are, or how to express those needs to another person. How crazy is that? No one bothers to teach you something as basic as understanding and recognizing your own needs!? I still have to think about what I’m going to say and how to say it, and very frequently I workshop that communication with my Reiki practitioner, Kari Buzewski.[1] Communication should be its own year-long course.[2] That is, of course, too much for us to cover in this blog, but please check out Kari Buzewski and the previous two footnotes if you’re interested in learning more on the subject.
So how do you ask for “help” when everything falls apart? What does that even look like? What do you say when you don’t even know what’s wrong? In my experience, the key to this whole getting help thing is just having the courage to admit you need help. Then, to get help, you have to go tell someone, “Hey, I need help. I don’t know what kind of help but I can’t get out of bed and there might be life admin stuff that still needs to get done. Can you help me?” Great, okay so we have the first part down—the communication part. Asking for help. For me, effective communication is the precursor to receiving. How can you get what you need if you can’t tell anyone you need it in the first place?
What do people mean when they say “receive” anyway? Receive what? Help? I can get help, I’m open to that. I don’t refuse everyone’s help. Do I? Well, I’ll ask for directions, sure no problem.
“What about letting people open doors for you?
“I can accept that kind of help.”
“Okay, what about when people offer to carry things for you, like a really heavy suitcase or groceries?”
“Hrm. Yea. That one is a little harder for me.”
“Taking your dogs for a walk?”
“My parents force me to have a dogwalker.”
“Just listening to you when you need to let it all out?”
“Let what out.”
“Being with you while you cry?”
“God no, there’s too much crying going on for that.”
“Hugging you?”
“I need a few wines for that, or a hangover.”
“What about receiving actual help, like when your life fell apart and you had to move back in with your parents, and you had to start all over again, but you couldn’t get out of bed unless it was to walk the dogs or take them to physical therapy?”
“Oh I.d., I know you feel embarrassed about this part of our life. But we did get help, and we needed it, didn’t we?”
“<<I.d. pauses>> . . . Hey, you leave me out of this whole you situation here, okay? This isn’t a we thing.”
“I’m just going to ignore that and keep going.” Now you’ve asked for help, and you’ve enlisted some people to help you. That takes some of the pressure off of you, and is precisely why I like having a human support system. I don’t have to know everything. Does it mean I cry in front of them sometimes? Yes. Am I comfortable with that? No. Does it mean therapy is uncomfortable sometimes? Yes. Does that mean therapy isn’t worth it? What a ludicrous question. Of course, therapy is worth being uncomfortable. Communicating with other people can be uncomfortable. Expressing your needs to someone else can be uncomfortable. Working on your own issues can cause you to experience discomfort. Don’t let that dissuade you from getting help.
[1] Kari is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life. One of her specialties is communication, among other things, like establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries that serve you. A Certified Reiki Master and Shamanic Healer with 15 years of experience, Kari is passionate about the power of natural healing and energy work, using Reiki to balance the 7 main chakras and Shamanic Healing to heal trauma so we can return to a fully empowered state. Kari has a thriving practice in Los Angeles, and also teaches Reiki Level 1, Reiki Level 2 and Reiki Master Certification Trainings.
[2] Kari also specializes in teaching others empowered communication, specifically through a course called ‘Setting Healthy Boundaries’. Most of us were not taught how to effectively communicate with family, friends, partners, co-workers, etc. When our boundaries are crossed and our needs aren’t being met, we usually resort to shaming, guilt tripping, threatening, playing the victim, and being passive-aggressive. Kari teaches a very specific, step-by-step technique for creating healthy dynamics by using this tool in all areas of life. She also offers business coaching which emphasizes the power of direct and authentic communication.